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Aw, Shucks!!

 


Jokes


 

 

 


You know you're from Red Bank when :

1. Meeting a celebrity means standing in line at The Dollar General Store next to the local TV weatherman.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a camper on Highway 27.
3. "Vacation" means driving to Cleveland or Dalton.
4. You see all the biggest brands ten years after they were popular.
5. Your work or classes are cancelled because of snow, and missed the next day because it reaches 65 degrees.
6. When the weather forcast calls for snow and everyone rushes to Bi-Lo's and Food Lion for groceries and it doesn't snow. Could this be a rumor started by these two food giants ? :)
7. You think of the major food groups as Fritos, beer and cigarettes.
8. When it rains, it's the talk of the town for days.
9. When it snows, it's the talk of the area for weeks.
10. During the summer, the car trunk doubles as an oven for your groceries.
11. You measure distance in hours.
12. The local paper covers national and international headlines on one page, but requires 6 pages for high school football.( We hope so )
13. You've had to switch from Heat to A/C in the same day.
14. You only own 3 spices: salt, pepper, and hot sauce.
15. You think that opening weekend for dove and deer seasons are national holidays.
16. You find 70 degrees "a little warm," and 50 degrees downright freezing.
17. You think the only seasons are hot, damn hot, and winter.
18. You know if another person is from out of town the second he or she walks in the door.
19. "Overachievers" go to UT. The rest must choose from UTC OR CSCC.
20. You've had several friends move off and move back within a couple of months.
21. Red Bank Jubilee is the major event for the whole year.
22. The town mascot is a Lion.
23. Honeymoon means " A Gatlinburg Weekend."
24. You get these and send them to all your online friends.
25. You know the best coffee in Red Bank is at THE AMOCO convenience store: )

Additions . . .

1. If someone has a turn signal on, you know the vehicle came that way.
2. You know who the last 5 SEC Quarterbacks are, their home towns, and where the towns are.
3. You brag about knowing someone who knew " Elvis Presley."
4. Someone mentions " The Vols, " and you are talkimg Football for the next hour.

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Go Git Yo Mamma

A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time in their life. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "Paw, What's 'at?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen anything like that in my entire life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is." While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Boy, go git yo Momma.... "

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Redneck Slang :

"Well knock me down and steal muh teeth!"

"Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit."

"I'll slap you so hard, your clothes will be outta style."

"This'll jar your preserves."

"Cute as a sack full of puppies."

"If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it."

"Gooder than grits."

"It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs."

"It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch."

"Wintery roads are said to be "slicker than otter snot."

"A bothersome person is "like a booger that you can't thump off."

"When something is bad then you say, "that ain't no count."

"If something is hard to do, it's "like trying to herd cats."

"A hectic schedule keeps you "Busier than a cat covering doo-doo on a marble floor."

"She's uglier than homemade soap."

"Your momma's so fat, when she got on the scales to be weighed, it said 'To be continued'."

"He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down."

"Uglier than a lard bucket full of armpits."

"The wheels still turning, but the hamsters dead"

"I'm just about as welcome at my inlaws as a hair in a biscuit."

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It's The Law :
(Old laws still on the books )

Alabama
It is illegal to play dominoes on Sunday.
It is illegal to wear a fake moustache that causes laughter in church.
Putting salt on a railroad track may be punishable by death.

Alaska
In Fairbanks, it is illegal to feed alcoholic beverages to a moose.
While it is legal to shoot bears, waking a sleeping bear for the purpose of taking a photograph is prohibited.

Arizona
In Tucson, it is illegal for women to wear pants.
In Globe, it is illegal to play cards in the street with a Native American.
In Glendale, it is illegal to drive a car in reverse.
In Nogales, it is illegal to wear suspenders.

Arkansas
In Fayetteville, it is illegal to kill "any living creature."
School teachers who bob their hair may forfeit their pay raises.

California
It is a misdemeanor to shoot at any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale.
In Pacific Grove, "molesting" butterflies can result in a $500 fine.
It is illegal to set a mousetrap without a hunting license.
In Long Beach, it is illegal to curse on a mini-golf course.
It is illegal to cry on the witness stand in Los Angeles courts.

Colorado
In Logan County, it is illegal for a man to kiss a woman while she is asleep.
In Pueblo, it is illegal to let a dandelion grow within city limits.

Connecticut
In Hartford, it is illegal to educate a dog.
It is illegal to dispose of used razor blades.
In New Britain, the speed limit for fire trucks is 25 m.p.h., even when going to a fire.

Delaware
Getting married on a dare is grounds for an annulment.
It is illegal to fly over any body of water, unless one is carrying sufficient supplies of food and drink.

Florida
Unmarried women who parachute on Sundays may be jailed.
In Sarasota, it is illegal to sing while wearing a bathing suit.

Georgia
All males in the state between the ages of 16 and 50 are required to work on public roads.
In Quitman, it is illegal for a chicken to cross a road.
It is illegal to change the clothes on a storefront mannequin unless the shades are down.

Hawaii
It is illegal to appear in public wearing only swimming trunks.
It is illegal to own a mongoose without a permit.

Idaho
Also in Pocatello, "It is prohibited for pedestrians and motorists to display frowns, grimaces, scowls, threatening and glowering looks, gloomy and depressed facial appearances, generally all of which reflect unfavorably upon the city's reputation."
Boxes of candy given as romantic gifts must weigh more than 50 pounds.

Illinois
In Chicago, it is illegal to fish in one's pajamas.
In Chicago, it is illegal to take a French poodle to the opera.
According to state law, it is illegal to speak English. The officially recognized language is "American."
In Gurnee, it is illegal for women weighing more than 200 pounds to ride horses in shorts.
In Joliet, it is illegal to mispronounce the name Joliet.

Indiana
Monkeys are forbidden to smoke cigarettes in South Bend.
In Gary, it is illegal to attend the theater within four hours of eating garlic.
The Stepford Wives is banned in Warsaw.

Iowa
State law forbids any establishment from charging admission to see a one-armed piano player.
In Fort Madison, firemen are required to practice for 15 minutes before attending a fire.

Kansas
It is illegal for restaurants to sell cherry pie la mode on Sundays.
In Wichita, a man's mistreatment of his mother-in-law may not be used as grounds for divorce.
In Wichita, it is illegal to carry a concealed bean snapper.
In Lang, it is illegal to ride a mule down Main Street in August, unless the animal is wearing a straw hat.
In Natoma, it is illegal to throw a knife at anyone wearing a striped shirt.

Kentucky
State law stipulates that a person is considered sober until he or she "cannot hold onto the ground."
It is illegal to remarry the same man four times.

Louisiana
In New Orleans, fire trucks are required by law to stop at all red lights.
It is considered "simple assault" to bite someone in New Orleans; it is "aggravated assault" if the biter has false teeth.
It is against the law to gargle in public.

Maine
In Portland, it is illegal for men to tickle women under the chin with feather dusters.
The most money one can legally win gambling is three dollars.
In Rumford, it is illegal for a tenant to bite his/her landlord.
In Waterville, it is illegal to blow one's nose in public.

Maryland
In Baltimore, it is illegal to wash or scrub sinks, no matter how dirty they get.
Every person who has bowled since 1833 may be fined $2 for each offense.
In Halethorpe, it is illegal to kiss for more than one second.
It's illegal to mistreat oysters.
It's illegal to play Randy Newman's "Short People" on the radio.

Massachusetts
It is illegal to wear a goatee without a license.
North Andover prohibits its citizens from carrying "space guns."
State legislation forbids dueling with water pistols.
In Boston, it is illegal to take a bath unless one has been ordered by a physician to do so.
In 1659, the state outlawed Christmas.

Michigan
A state law stipulates that a woman's hair legally belongs to her husband.
In Detroit, it is illegal to make love in a car unless it is parked on your property.
In Port Huron, the speed limit for ambulances in 20 m.p.h.
Under state law, dentists are officially classified as "mechanics."

Minnesota
Women may face up to 30 days in jail if they impersonate Santa Claus.
In Minneapolis, double-parkers can be put on a chain gang.
Every man in Brainerd is required by law to grow a beard.
It's illegal to tease skunks.

Mississippi
It is still legal to kill one's "servant."
In Truro, a would-be groom must "prove himself manly" prior to marriage by hunting and killing either six blackbirds or three crows.

Missouri
In Saco, women are forbidden from wearing hats that "might frighten timid persons, children or animals."
While children may purchase shotguns in Kansas City, they are not allowed to buy toy cap guns.
Missouri considers drunkenness an "inalienable right."

Montana
It is a felony for a wife to open her husband's mail.
It is a misdemeanor to show movies that depict acts of felonious crime.
In Whitehall, it is illegal to operate a vehicle with ice picks attached to the wheels.

Nebraska
It is illegal for a mother to give her daughter a perm without a state license.
In Waterloo, barbers are forbidden from eating onions between 7am and 7pm.
In Omaha, barbers are forbidden from shaving their customers' chests.
If a child burps during a church service in Omaha, his or her parents may be arrested.
It is illegal for bar owners to sell beer unless they are simultaneously brewing a kettle of soup.

Nevada
In Nyala, a man is forbidden from buying drinks for more than three people other than himself at any one period during the day.
It is illegal to drive a camel on the highway.
In Eureka, men who wear moustaches are forbidden from kissing women.
Everyone walking on the streets of Elko is required to wear a mask.

New Hampshire
It is illegal to sell the clothes one is wearing to pay off a gambling debt.
It is illegal to check into a hotel under an assumed name.

New Jersey
It is against the law to "frown" at a police officer.
In Newark, it is illegal to sell ice cream after 6pm, unless the customer has a note from his doctor.
It is illegal to slurp soup.
In Trenton, it is illegal to throw a bad pickle in the street.

New Mexico
In Raton, it is illegal for a woman to ride horseback down a public street with a kimono on.
The Merriam-Webster Collegiate Dictionary is banned in Carlsbad.

New York
In New York City, "It is disorderly conduct for one man to greet another on the street by placing the end of his thumb against the tip of his nose, at the same time extending and wiggling the fingers of his hand."

North Carolina
In Charlotte, women must have their bodies covered by at least 16 yards of cloth at all times.
In Asheville, it is illegal to sneeze on city streets.

North Dakota
In Fargo, one may be jailed for wearing a hat while dancing, or even for wearing a hat to a function where dancing is taking place.
It is illegal to lie down and fall asleep with your shoes on.
It is illegal to serve beer and pretzels at the same time in any bar, club, or restaurant.

Ohio
In Columbus, it is illegal for stores to sell corn flakes on Sunday.
In Youngstown, it is illegal to run out of gas.
Catch 22 is banned in Strongville.

Oklahoma
People who make "ugly faces" at dogs may be fined and/or jailed.

Oregon
One may not bathe without wearing "suitable clothing," i.e., that which covers one's body from neck to knee.
The town of Hood River prohibits the act of juggling without a license.
Salem has barred women's wrestling.
In Marion, ministers are forbidden from eating garlic or onions before delivering a sermon.

Pennsylvania
"Any motorist who sights a team of horses coming toward him must pull well off the road, cover his car with a blanket or canvas that blends with the countryside, and let the horses pass. If the horses appear skittish, the motorist must take his car apart, piece by piece, and hide it under the nearest bushes."
In Morrisville, women need a permit to wear cosmetics.

Rhode Island
In Providence, it is illegal to sell toothpaste and a toothbrush to the same customer on a Sunday.
It is illegal to throw pickle juice on a trolley.
In Newport, it is illegal to smoke a pipe after sunset.

South Carolina
Every citizen is obliged to carry his gun to church.
No horses are allowed into Fountain Inn unless they are wearing pants.
In Charleston, all carriage horses must wear diapers.

South Dakota
It is illegal to lie down and fall asleep in a cheese factory.
Movies that show police officers being struck, beaten, or treated in an offensive manner are forbidden.

Tennessee
It is illegal to use a lasso to catch a fish.
In Dyersburg, it is illegal for a woman to call a man for a date.
In Memphis restaurants, it is illegal to give any pie to fellow diners. It is also illegal to take unfinished pie home. All pie must be eaten on the premises.
Also in Memphis, it is illegal for a woman to drive by herself; "a man must walk or run in front of the vehicle, waving a red flag in order to warn approaching pedestrians and motorists."

Texas
The entire Encyclopedia Britannica is banned in Texas because it contains a formula for making beer at home.
A recently passed anticrime law requires criminals to give their victims 24 hours notice, either orally or in writing, and to explain the nature of the crime to be committed. It is illegal to milk another person's cow.
In Houston, it is illegal to sell Limburger cheese on Sunday.
In LeFors, it is illegal to take more than three swallows of beer while standing.
In Mesquite, it is illegal for children to have unusual haircuts.

Utah
Birds have the right of way on all highways.
A husband is responsible for every criminal act committed by his wife while she is in his presence.
In Monroe, daylight must be visible between partners on a dance floor.

Vermont
Women must obtain written permission from their husbands to wear false teeth.
It is illegal to deny the existence of God.
It is illegal to whistle underwater.

Virginia
In Richmond, it is illegal to flip a coin in any eating establishment to determine who buys a cup of coffee.
There is a state law prohibiting "corrupt practices of bribery by any person other than candidates."
In Lebanon, it is illegal to kick your wife out of bed.

Washington
Seattle residents may not carry concealed weapons longer than six feet.
It is illegal to pretend that one's parents are rich.

West Virginia
In Nicholas County, no clergy members may tell jokes or humorous stories from the pulpit during church services.
It is illegal to snooze on a train.

Wisconsin
In St. Croix, women are not allowed to wear anything red in public.
It is illegal to cut a woman's hair.
It is illegal to kiss on a train.
Cheese making requires a cheese maker's license; Limburger cheese making requires a master cheese maker's license.

Wyoming
It is illegal to wear a hat that obstructs people's view in a public theater or place of amusement.

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Computer Terms for Rednecks

BACKUP: What you do when you run over a skunk in the woods.
BAR CODE: Them's the fight'n rules down at the local tavern.
BUG: The reason you give for calling in sick.
BYTE: What your pitbull dun to cusin Jethro.
CACHE: Needed when you run out of food stamps.
CHIP: Pasture muffins that you try not to step in.
COMPUTER TERMINAL: Time to call the undertaker.
CRASH: When you go to Junior's party uninvited.
DIGITAL: The art of counting on your fingers.
DISKETTE: A female Disco dancer.
FAX: What you lie about to the IRS.
HACKER: Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking.
INTERNET: Where cafeteria workers keep their hair.
KEYBOARD: Where you hang the keys to the John Deere.
MAC: Big Bubba's favorite fast food.
MEGAHERTZ: How your head feels after 17 beers.
MODEM: What ya do when the grass gets too high.
MOUSE PAD: Where Mickey and Minnie live.
NETWORK: Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line.
ONLINE: Where you stay when taking the sobriety test.
ROM: Where the pope lives.
SCREEN: Helps keep the skeeters off the porch.
SERIAL PORT: A red wine you drink with breakfast.
SUPERCONDUCTOR: Amtrak's Employee of the year.
SCSI: What you call your week-old underwear.

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How to Tell if a redneck works in your office...

The mouse is refered to as a "critter". ...
There is a gun rack mounted on the CPU. ...
The pass word is "bubba". ...
Windows 95 has a Dale Earnhardt sticker on it. ...
Out going faxes have beer stains on them. ...
The printer goes really slow since Bubba dont read to fast. ...
The extra RAM slots have dodge parts installed in them. ...
The menus all have Budweiser, Black label, and Old Milwaukee options. ...
The monitor is up on blocks. ...
There is a skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.

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Signs You're At A Wedding In Tennessee:

The rehearsal dinner is held at Hooters.

Instead of "friends of the bride or friends of the groom?", ushers ask "Ford or Chevy?"

Bridesmaids wear pink tube tops and the groomsmen wear Travis Tritt t-shirts.

Phrase "I Do" is replaced by "I Heard That!"

Tender rendition of "The Wedding Song" is replaced by "Rocky Top" and performed by Boxcar Willie.

When the minister asks, "Who Giveth This Woman To Be Married..." some guy in the back stands up and hollers "Earnhardt!"

Reception conversation includes the phrase, "Been to Dollywood lately, Earl?"

Snack trays and beverages at reception include vienna sausages (smoked, of course), nacho cheese Doritos and grandma's own moonshine.

Plans for the Honeymoon evening include tickets to the Monster Truck Show.

The sign in front of the church reads: No Shirt...No Shoes...No Problem!

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You Might be a Redneck Crossdresser if...

- You go to family reunions to meet guys.

- You wear a dress that's strapless and a bra that ain't.

- You wear combat boots with a minidress.

- You wear jeans with a belt buckle that's bigger than your fist.

- You have a Ford F150 pick-up truck, with a gun rack, a Dale Earnhardt license plate frame, and a Confederate flag on the tailgate, next to the bumper sticker that says "I sell Avon Skin-So-Soft."

- You try to wax your legs with Turtle Wax.

- You braid the hair that sticks through your fishnet stockings.

- Wear a black John Deere baseball cap with pearls.

- You use glitter to highlight your mustache.

- You wear tube tops with your mini, because it shows off your Harley-Davidson tattoo.

- Your favorite band ring came off a cigar.

- You keep spare ammo in your bra.

- You get a run in your stockings while changing a tire on your motorhome.

- Your purse is a toolbox.

- You pluck your eyebrows with a pair of needle nosed pliers.

- You store your lipsticks in a socket-wrench box.

- You use duct tape to keep your "tuck" in place.

- You call your vanity "your work bench."

- You use a pocketknife to sharpen your lip and eye liners.

- "Doing your nails" means sorting the ten-pennies from the sixteen-pennies.

- Your favorite leather skirt was made from the moose you shot last Fall.

- Your new sandals are made from truck tire re-treads your found on the road.

- You keep a spare lipstick in your toolbox.

- You wear a pair of C-clamps as screw-on earrings.

- Your best silver necklace is made from beer can pull-tabs.

- Your nail enamel is made by Rustoleum.

-. You use paint thinner to remove your makeup.

- Your moisturizer says "non-detergent SAE 10W30" on the container.

- You remove your leg hair with duct tape.

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Southern Commandments

1. Y'all shalt always remember your manners.

2. Y'all shalt make no fuss over yourself.

3. Y'all shalt not sass your mama.

4. Y'all shalt always wonder what your daddy would think.

5. Y'all shalt always talk the way you grow'ed up.

6. Y'all shalt tell no whoppers unless you are in a situation where you are expected to.

7. Y'all shalt demonstrate your great faith by the way you drive.

8. Y'all shalt always clean your plate.

9. Y'all shalt hold kinfolk in high regard, regardless of what you really think of 'em.

10. Y'all shalt always remember where you come from.

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Southern Dawgs and Yankee Dogs :

(Yankee) German Shepherd Dog
(Southern) Poh-leece Dawg.

(Yankee) Poodle
(Southern) Circus Dawg.

(Yankee) Doberman Pinscher
(Southern) Dobimin Pinches.

(Yankee) Beagle
(Southern) Rabbit Dawg.

(Yankee) Rottweiler
(Southern) Mean As A Rattlesnake Dawg. Good dawg to guard the still.

(Yankee) Yellow Lab
(Southern) Ol' Yeller Dawgs.

(Yankee) Black Lab
(Southern) Duck fetchin' Dawg.

(Yankee) Greyhound
(Southern) Greased Lightnin' Dawg.

(Yankee) Malinois
(Southern) Another kind of Poh-leece Dawg.

(Yankee) Blue Ticks, Red Bones, etc.
(Southern) Prize Coon Dawgs.

(Yankee) Pekinese
(Southern) Mop Dawg.

(Yankee) Chinese Crested
(Southern) Nekkid Dawg.

(Yankee) Dachshund
(Southern) Weenie Dawg.

(Yankee) Siberian Husky
(Southern) Sled-Pullin' Dawg.

(Yankee) Bouvier, Komondor
(Southern) "What In the World Kinda Dawg Is That?"

(Yankee) Great Dane, Mastiff
(Southern) Danged BIG Dawg.

(Yankee) Any dog that raids the hen house
(Southern) Egg-Suckin' Dawg.

(Yankee) Any lazy dog
(Southern) Good fer nothin' Dawg.

(Yankee) Any dog that's died and been buried and gone to Rainbow Bridge
(Southern) Best danged Dawg I ever had.

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The Outhouse Incident

Two rednecks, Hank and Jenny Sue went for a walk in the countryside. After a while, Hank had to answer a call of nature. Spying an outhouse, he excused himself.

Jenny Sue waited for Hank...and waited, and waited. Finally, she looked inside and saw Hank stirring around in the outhouse muck with a stick. "Hank, what the heck are you doing," she yells.

"I dropped my jacket down the hole," he complains. "It's the one my momma gave me."

Jenny Sue shakes her head. "You're crazy ... you're not gonna wear that thing now, are you?"

"Heck no," Hank assures her, "but there's a baloney sandwich in one of the pockets!"

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Rules for Driving in the South

A right lane construction closure is just a game to see how many people can cut in line by passing you on the right as you sit in the left lane waiting for the same jerks to squeeze their way back in before hitting the orange construction barrels.

Turn signals will give away your next move. A real Southerner never uses them.

Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, or the space will be filled in by somebody else putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

Tailgating is a "must" to all Southerners. Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane-change is considered "going with the flow."

The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.

If you MUST use turn signals, here's how to do it, Southern Style:

* Signal only when you feel like it.

* If you feel you must use your directionals, make sure they blink only once, then turn them off.

* Signal only after you change lanes.

* When driving straight, make sure that at least one directional is blinking at all times. This keeps the drivers behind you on their toes.

* Signal as you approach a curve in the road.

* If you intend to make a right turn, use the left signal.

* If you intend to make a left turn, use the right signal.

* When approaching an intersection, signal to turn and slow down. When other drivers or pedestrians cross in front of you, turn off the signal and go straight.

* When you intend to make a turn, start signaling approximately 6-8 blocks before your turn. Slow down for each block as you approach them.

* Always apply your brakes way before you signal.

* When making a left turn at a busy red light, wait for the light to turn green before you turn on your signal.

* Wait until after you have started to turn or change lanes to use your signals.

* If you must use hand signals instead of your directionals, use your right hand or have your passenger do it out the right side window.

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How To Annoy A Yankee :

* Take your own sweet time when doing ANYTHING.

* Pronounce all one syllable words with two.

* When giving directions, finish with "it's right down yonder on the left."

* Talk REAL slow, and ask them to speak more slowly so you can understand what they're saying.

* When they talk nostalgically about the North, tell 'em "Delta's ready when you are!"

* Talk loudly and often about SEC football or ACC basketball.

* Refer to every soft drink as a Coke.

* Always order sweet tea and/or grits. When they don't have it, raise a ruckus.

* Offer to send 'em a bottle of fresh air.

* Insist on being addressed by your first AND middle names. (e.g. Lisa Marie -- John Michael -- Jim Bob. . .)

* Frequently bring up "The War of Northern Aggression" in conversation. If anyone ever says the words "Civil War", always interject that "there was nothing civil about it."

* Address all males as "son" and females as "little lady".

* Correct their pronunciation of certain words. For example: It's "pee-can."

* Put Tabasco on everything.

* For New York Yankees: Act as if the whole state of New York is New York City. In other words, if they say "Yo, I'm from upstate New Yoik!" say , "Well I'll be, my wife has always wanted to see a Broadway show!" * When invited to dinner, offer to bring dessert. Show up with a box of Moon Pies. . . banana ones.

* Name all of your children "Bubba."

* Use the word "reckon" in a sentence.

* "Mash" buttons. "Cut" off lights. "Carry" the kids to school. "Fetch" something.

* Never simply "do" something. Be "fixin to do" something.

* Tell them you don't have an accent, they do.

* Be sure to include "yes/no ma'am/sir" in all conversations..

* Only use landmarks and ramble on when giving directions. "Now go down Jeff Davis Highway and turn left at where the Chevron station used to be. I think they turned it into a Amoco. Or maybe a BP. Anyway, turn right there. . ." "You said left." "Did I? Well, turn left there and follow it until you see a big fish on your left. I remember when that fish used to be on the other side of town.."

* Ask them if it's still snowing up North. Then tell 'em you went driving around in your convertible this weekend.

* Call 'em a yankee. Works every time.

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Southern Vocabulary :

Ah - The things you see with.

Aig - Which came first, the chicken or the aig?

Arn - An electrical instrument used to remove wrinkles from clothing.

Ay-rab - The people who inhabit much of North Africa.

Bawl - What water does.

Bidness - The art of selling something for more than you paid for it.

Bobbycue - A delectable Southern sandwich of chopped pork, cole slaw, and a fiery sauce.

Bud - Small feathered creature that flies.

Cheer - A piece of furniture used for sitting.

Chekatawfarya - Heard at service stations in small Southern towns.

Co-Cola - Soft drink.

Crine - Weeping.

Dawfins - Name of the professional football team in Miami.

Daints - A more or less formal event in which members of the opposite sex hold each other and move rhythmically to the south of music.

Doc - A condition caused by the absence of light.

Etlanna - The city General Sherman burned during the war for Southern independence.

Everthang - All-encompassing.

Far - A state of combustion that produces heat and light.

Foller - Spies and private detectives spend a lot of time doing this.

Git - To acquire.

Goff- A game played with clubs and a little white ball.

Gull - A young female.

Hale - Where General Sherman went for what he did to Etlanna.

Hep - To aid or benefit.

Idinit - "Mighty hot today, idinit?"

Keer - To be concerned.

Lieberry - A building containing thousands of literary works.

Moanin - Between daybreak and noon.

Motuhsickle - A two-wheeled missile with a powerful engine.

Munts - The 12 units into which the calendar year is divided.

Nawth - Any part of the country outside of the South.

Nekkid - To be unclothed.

Ovair - In that direction.

Own - Instead of awf.

Phrasin - Very cold.

Pitcher - An image, either drawn or photographed.

Sebmup - Soft drink similar to ginger ale.

Show - "It show is hot today."

Spearmint - Something scientist do.

Stow - Place where things are sold.

Tal - What you dry off with after you take a share.

Tar - Round inflatable object that sometimes goes flat.

Uhmukin - Someone who lives in the United States of Uhmurka.

Zackly - Precisely.

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You Might be a Yankee if...

* You don't know kudzu from kung fu.

* You enjoy living in filth.

* The only kind of grass you've seen is the kind you smoke.

* You prefer Bruce Springsteen to Bocephus.

* The thought of eating scrapple doesn't turn your stomach.

* You talk real fast and charm real slow.

* You think smog is a sky color.

* You think all cars are yellow and have a light on top.

* You think barbecue is a verb, not a noun.

* Your momma spends more time in hockey locker rooms than your father's bedroom.

* You think okra is a talk show host.

* You can be surrounded by crime and "didn't see a thing!!"

* You didn't know chickens laid eggs and cows produced milk.

* You waste large amounts of money on a date, when all you had to do was ask.

* You think Skoal is a form of punishment.

* You think barbecue is a verb meaning "to cook outside."

* You think Heinz Ketchup is SPICY!

* You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce" correctly.

* For breakfast, you would prefer potatoes au gratin to grits.

* You don't know what a moon pie is.

* You've never had grain alcohol.

* You've never, ever, eaten okra.

* You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.

* You've never seen a live chicken, and the only cows you've seen are on road trips.

* You have no idea what a polecat is.

* You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.

* You don't have bangs.

* You would rather vacation at Martha's Vineyard than Six Flags.

* More than two generations of your family have been kicked out of the same prep school in Connecticut.

* You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show.

* Instead of referring to two or more people as "y'all," you call them "you guys," even if both of them are women.

* You don't think Howard Stern has an accent.

* You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-and-knife show.

* You think more money should go to important scientific research at your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach.

* You don't have at least one can of WD-40 somewhere around the house.

* The last time you smiled was when you prevented someone from getting on an on-ramp on the highway.

* You don't have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores.

* The farthest south you've ever been is the perfume counter at Neiman Marcus.

* You call binoculars opera glasses.

* You can't spit out the car window without pulling over to the side of the road and stopping.

* You would never wear pink or an applique sweatshirt.

* You don't know what applique is.

* You don't know anyone with at least two first names (i.e., Joe Bob, Faye Ellen, Billy Ray, Mary Jo, Bubba Dean)

* You don't have doilies, and you certainly don't know how to make one.

* You've never been to a craft show.

* You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you.

* You can't do your laundry without quarters.

* None of your fur coats are homemade.

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A Redneck Poem

Kudzu is green, my dog's name is Blue,
And I'm so lucky to have a sweet thang like you.
Yore hair is like cornsilk, a-flappin' in the breeze.
Softer than Blue's, and without all them fleas.

You move like the bass, which excite me in May.
You ain't got no scales, but I luv you anyway.
You're as graceful as okry, jist a-dancin' in the pan.
Yore as fragrant as SunDrop, right out of the can.

You have all yore teeth, for which I am proud;
I hold my head high when we're in a crowd.
On special occasions, when you shave yore armpits,
Well, I'm in hawg heaven! Plumb outta my wits!

And speakin' of wits, you've got plenty fer shore.
'Cuz you married me, back in '74.
Still them fellers at work, they all want to know,
What I did to deserve such a purty, young doe.

Like a good roll of duct tape, yore there fer yore man,
To patch up life's troubles, and stick 'em in the can.
Yore as strong as a four-wheeler, racin' through the mud,
Yet fragile as that sanger, named Naomi Judd.

Yore as cute as a junebug, a-buzzin' overhead.
You ain't mean like no far ant, upon which I oft' tread.
Cut from the best pattern, like a flannel shirt of plaid,
You sparked up my life, like a Rattletrap shad.

When you hold me real tight, like a padded gunrack,
My life is complete; ain't nuttin' I lack.
Yore complexion, it's perfection, like the best vinyl sidin'.
Despite all the years, yore age, it keeps hidin'.

And when you get old, like a '57 Chevy,
Won't put you on blocks, and let grass grow up heavy.
Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie, with a RC cold drank,
We go together; like a skunk goes with stank.

Some men, they buy chocolate, for Valentine's Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart; it's romantic that way.
Some men git roses on that special day
From the cooler at Kroger; "That's impressive," I say.

Some men buy fine diamonds, from a flea market booth.
"Diamonds are forever," they explain, suave and couth.
But for this man, honey, these will not do.
For you are too special, you sweet thang you.

I got you a gift, without taste nor odor,
Better than diamonds; It's a new trollin' motor!

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G.R.I.T.S.

We Girls Raised in The South hold these truths to be self-evident:

What makes Southern women extraordinary?

It's everything from our manners (Impeccable) to our expectations (Always High) and our style (Classy).

We're remarkably distinct and hopelessly in love with our history and tradition.

Known the world over for our Femininity, Charm, Hospitality, and Beauty we're Girls Raised In The South, and we're mighty proud of what this says to the world.

After all, those below the Mason-Dixon line know a perfect world-- RC Cola, Moon Pies, and a Southern girl.

So from our unique perspective, here's what Southern women know about living in Dixie, the best part of these great United States...

Southern girls know their memorable couples:
Priscilla and Elvis,
Zelda and Scott,
Scarlett and Rhett

Southern girls know the three types of school:
Ballroom, Ballet and Charm.

Southern girls don't drink, they sip ...alot.

Southern girls appreciate their natural assets:
Dewy skin, a winning smile and that unforgettable Southern drawl..

Southern girls know their manners:
"Yes, ma'am", "Yes, sir" and "Why, no, Billy!"..

Southern girls have a distinct way with fond expressions:
"Y'all come back!",
"Well, bless your heart.",
"Drop by when you can.",
"How's your mutha'?",
"Love your hair."

Southern girls don't sweat
.... they glisten.

Southern girls know their summer weather report:
Humidity, Humidity, Humidity

Southern girls have more fun than should be allowed.

Southern girls know how to loosen a tongue with a Southern touch:
Wild Turkey, Jack Daniels, or Jim Beam..

Southern girls know their three R's:
Rich, Richer, and Richest...

Southern girls know their vacation spots:
The Beach, The Beach, and The Beach...

Southern girls know the joys of June, July, and August:
Summer tans, wide brimmed hats, and strapless sun dresses..

Southern girls know everybody's first name:
Honey, Darlin' and Sugah. ...

Southern girls know the movies that speak to their hearts:
Gone With the Wind,
Fried Green Tomatoes,
Driving Miss Daisy,
and Steel Magnolias...

Southern girls love to sin and tell about it!

Southern girls know their GRITS:
Cheese, Stoneground, Garlic, and Instant.

Southern girls know their religions:
Baptist, Methodist and Football...

Southern girls know the four seasons:
Recruiting, Spring Training, Practice, and Football..

Southern girls know their country breakfasts:
Red-eye gravy, GRITS, Country ham, and mouth watering homemade biscuits..

Southern girls know their cities dripping with Southern charm:
Charleston, Savannah, New Orleans, and Birmingham

Southern girls know their elegant gentlemen:
Men in uniform, men in tuxedos and Rhett Butler,(of course)

Y'all know Southern girls are quick on the drawl.

Southern girls know their prime real estate:
The Mall, The Country Club, and The Beauty Salon

Southern girls can teach anyone to flirt:
Slowly lower your eyelashes,
Listen carefully to everything he says,
and Speak r-e-a-l slow....

Southern girls know the three deadly sins:
Bad hair, Bad manners, Bad blind dates.

Southern girls know the real meaning of PMS:
Precious Moody Southerner...

Southern girls know bad manners when they see them:
Drinking straight out of a beer can,
Not sending thank you notes,
Walking down the street with a lighted cigarette,
Velvet after February,
White shoes before Easter or after Labor Day.

Southern girls know the real names for all-out-War:
SEC Football, ACC Basketball, and The Masters...
***And we know there was nothing Civil about it! ***

Southern girls know men may come and go,
but friends are forevah!

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